On Death and Dying, again!

My husband had recently visited his parents in Nigeria

Initially when my husband decided to take the trip, I was very upset about it because it was the worst possible timing for both of us. I had just gone through the most challenging two weeks of my entire life. However, he had a very strong urge to go and when he went, I felt abandoned. I really felt inconsolable especially when the trip unexpected and unilaterally extended from six days to three weeks. I was facing a lot of personal challenges at the time and this was only our second separation in eight years.

My coach asked me to consider treating the trip as if it was the best decision my husband had ever made. It was painful. I did not want to give up being upset about the trip but I made a decision to be OK about his trip. Once I got a peace about the trip, I was able to let it go in my mind and decided that it was really important to bless his trip so that he could be focused on being with his family. So I wrote him a wonderful love letter before he left and he got to read this on the trip and it eased his mind as he figured out that I had made peace with his trip. Of course this was before he extended his trip.

I realized that I missed him so much. It was unbelievable how much I missed him. I missed watching our TV shows together. I missed eating together and just catching up with each other. The bed sure felt lonely.

Previously, I had a cat and she died earlier this year. Boy, I missed my cat. I got her when I was still single and she was my housemate. While my husband was away, I needed my housemate. I missed Kitty so much it was unbearable.

I tried to console myself by opening all the windows and getting a lot of fresh air. But, it did not help. I could not focus. I was totally unproductive. Boy, talk about the grand slam of pity parties!

Finally, I realized that a lot of sadness was coming up for me and being alone was giving space to those feelings. I missed my parents a lot. As I grieved losses and worked through the sadness of feeling abandoned and alone, I had an epiphany.

I realized that I had abandoned myself! No one can abandon me if I am here for me! I realized that I was not taking responsibility for my life and I was looking to my husband to fulfill certain emotional needs that only I could fulfill. Friends and loved ones were calling me during this time to check on me and I would not return any phone calls. That is the very definition of abandoning oneself.

It was liberating as I realized that it was a good thing to be alone. It was a good thing to miss him; after all, he is my husband. I hope I missed the man that I have lived with for almost eight years. Then I was able to look forward to his return, with pure joy and not from a place of trying to hold him accountable for my bad feelings about his trip.

I promised myself that I would not let him know how upset I was until about two weeks later. For the first time in my life, I shut up! Amazing and miraculous!

O boy, now the story takes a totally different twist.

He returned from his trip a Sunday evening and on Wednesday morning, three days later, at about 4 am, we got a phone call saying that his mom had died. He spent over two weeks with her and she was healthy and well. There was no indication whatsoever that this was going to happen. We were shocked and heartbroken.

I was stunned that I had not wanted him to go on this trip and how would I have felt if he did not go and things turned out this way? I was so relieved that he went on this trip. I was on my knees thanking God that he took the trip in spite of my lack of support about it. I felt so bad that I did not go on the trip as I did not get to see her one last time.

It brought up for me incredible grief at the loss of my own parents. Both my parents have passed away and this is the first parent on my husband’s side of the family to make that transition. She was only sixty two which I consider very young.

I was so grateful that I had worked through my own issues when this happened. I was able to see a bird’s eye view of the whole situation and view the end from the beginning. I saw how there was a big touch of Divinity on this whole situation.

I started to view my upset when he was away as possibly me grieving what was going to come up without knowing what was going to happen. I was now in a space to reciprocate back to my husband what he gave me when my father first passed away and a couple of years later, when my mother made her own transition. My husband was by my side each time and was a rock of comfort and solace. In fact, my mother was sick and in the hospital when she died. My husband was the only one in the room with her when she took her last breath. I have renewed gratitude for having that support as I grieved the loss of those I had known for every day of my entire life.

Femi and I are still working through all the feelings about the loss of his mother. She was a caring person who fiercely loved her children and doted on her grandchildren, bathing them daily when she was with them. We are both grateful that he spent quality time with her recently.

What a wise investment of resources, energy and time that he made in going to see his family half way across the world when he did! My coach was absolutely right! Femi going home was the best possible decision that he could have made at the time he made it. Phew!

We all have situations going on in our lives that we do not feel good about right now. What would happen if you ask yourself, “This does not feel good right now but what if this is the best thing that ever happened to me?”

I consider this a powerful self-leadership tool.