On Death and Dying, again!

My husband had recently visited his parents in Nigeria

Initially when my husband decided to take the trip, I was very upset about it because it was the worst possible timing for both of us. I had just gone through the most challenging two weeks of my entire life. However, he had a very strong urge to go and when he went, I felt abandoned. I really felt inconsolable especially when the trip unexpected and unilaterally extended from six days to three weeks. I was facing a lot of personal challenges at the time and this was only our second separation in eight years.

My coach asked me to consider treating the trip as if it was the best decision my husband had ever made. It was painful. I did not want to give up being upset about the trip but I made a decision to be OK about his trip. Once I got a peace about the trip, I was able to let it go in my mind and decided that it was really important to bless his trip so that he could be focused on being with his family. So I wrote him a wonderful love letter before he left and he got to read this on the trip and it eased his mind as he figured out that I had made peace with his trip. Of course this was before he extended his trip.

I realized that I missed him so much. It was unbelievable how much I missed him. I missed watching our TV shows together. I missed eating together and just catching up with each other. The bed sure felt lonely.

Previously, I had a cat and she died earlier this year. Boy, I missed my cat. I got her when I was still single and she was my housemate. While my husband was away, I needed my housemate. I missed Kitty so much it was unbearable.

I tried to console myself by opening all the windows and getting a lot of fresh air. But, it did not help. I could not focus. I was totally unproductive. Boy, talk about the grand slam of pity parties!

Finally, I realized that a lot of sadness was coming up for me and being alone was giving space to those feelings. I missed my parents a lot. As I grieved losses and worked through the sadness of feeling abandoned and alone, I had an epiphany.

I realized that I had abandoned myself! No one can abandon me if I am here for me! I realized that I was not taking responsibility for my life and I was looking to my husband to fulfill certain emotional needs that only I could fulfill. Friends and loved ones were calling me during this time to check on me and I would not return any phone calls. That is the very definition of abandoning oneself.

It was liberating as I realized that it was a good thing to be alone. It was a good thing to miss him; after all, he is my husband. I hope I missed the man that I have lived with for almost eight years. Then I was able to look forward to his return, with pure joy and not from a place of trying to hold him accountable for my bad feelings about his trip.

I promised myself that I would not let him know how upset I was until about two weeks later. For the first time in my life, I shut up! Amazing and miraculous!

O boy, now the story takes a totally different twist.

He returned from his trip a Sunday evening and on Wednesday morning, three days later, at about 4 am, we got a phone call saying that his mom had died. He spent over two weeks with her and she was healthy and well. There was no indication whatsoever that this was going to happen. We were shocked and heartbroken.

I was stunned that I had not wanted him to go on this trip and how would I have felt if he did not go and things turned out this way? I was so relieved that he went on this trip. I was on my knees thanking God that he took the trip in spite of my lack of support about it. I felt so bad that I did not go on the trip as I did not get to see her one last time.

It brought up for me incredible grief at the loss of my own parents. Both my parents have passed away and this is the first parent on my husband’s side of the family to make that transition. She was only sixty two which I consider very young.

I was so grateful that I had worked through my own issues when this happened. I was able to see a bird’s eye view of the whole situation and view the end from the beginning. I saw how there was a big touch of Divinity on this whole situation.

I started to view my upset when he was away as possibly me grieving what was going to come up without knowing what was going to happen. I was now in a space to reciprocate back to my husband what he gave me when my father first passed away and a couple of years later, when my mother made her own transition. My husband was by my side each time and was a rock of comfort and solace. In fact, my mother was sick and in the hospital when she died. My husband was the only one in the room with her when she took her last breath. I have renewed gratitude for having that support as I grieved the loss of those I had known for every day of my entire life.

Femi and I are still working through all the feelings about the loss of his mother. She was a caring person who fiercely loved her children and doted on her grandchildren, bathing them daily when she was with them. We are both grateful that he spent quality time with her recently.

What a wise investment of resources, energy and time that he made in going to see his family half way across the world when he did! My coach was absolutely right! Femi going home was the best possible decision that he could have made at the time he made it. Phew!

We all have situations going on in our lives that we do not feel good about right now. What would happen if you ask yourself, “This does not feel good right now but what if this is the best thing that ever happened to me?”

I consider this a powerful self-leadership tool.

Feeling good: How do I feel good about this situation? .#18

I have a womens church conference coming up this weekend and I am really not very interested in attending but I feel pressure by my friends at church that I should attend all three days of this conference. I am just not in the state of mind to be in a three day conference that I am not sold out on. It does not feel like good use of my time and I am feeling pressure by my friends and co-church ladies to attend.

So to feel good about this, I think of last year’s conference where I had a good time. I ask myself about the pressure I am feeling. No one has really put pressure on me about it. I am just feeling the pressure that I am expected to attend and I am avoiding talking to my church lady friends. Hmmm….. So I am the source of the pressure in my mind. Not the church ladies. OK. That was easy. Turn off the pressure, Iyabo.

Now, what do these negative feelings tell me? I am spending my time investing in activities I think others expect me to participate in. OK. So I get in touch with what I want to do for me only and it is this: I want to go to one session to check it out because I really had a good time there last year. OK. That is it. I will go to the Friday session. How about I arrive late so I don’t get sucked in? Cool.

Boy, now I feel better. It is on my own terms.

Affirmation: I do what feels good to me.

Appreciation: Who do I appreciate? .#17

Yesterday, I wrote about the difference between appreciation and gratitude.

I appreciate my husband the most. He really is a great guy. He is committed to his own personal growth and he tells me stuff that he genuinely believes is for my own good even when he knows I do not want to hear it. That is courageous. Especially with me! He finds all sorts of little ways to be my hero. I have not taken the trash out in eight years and I do not clean up after cooking dinner. A friend visited my home recently and my husband was helping me lay out stuff and clean up and she was shocked that I did not have to ask my husband to do anything. I really do appreciate that about him.

I do not like male bashing. I like men and I have always had good relationships with the men in my life including my father and my brother. I find that we women spend a lot of time male-bashing and expecting less than extraordinary from the men in our lives. Sometimes it is justified and sometimes it is not. However, I enjoy putting my focus on the positives in my relationship with men. Do I find my husband maddening sometimes? Absolutely. Does he have shortcomings in certain areas? Yes, just like I do.

However, I find myself happier and our relationship so much better when I consciously focus on the multitude of things that he does right all day long. So many times, I forget about those things.

With my recent computer issues, he did all that he knew to do to get the situation resolved and when he did not know what to do, he went and asked for help.

It feels good to know that I am supported by him. I enjoy his support.

I also enjoy my sister. She recently adopted two cats and calls me everyday to tell me about the antics of the cats. I enjoy her camaraderie. I enjoy and appreciate my relationships with friends and loved ones.

I appreciate my coaching clients. I believe I have the best clients in the world. They are wonderful people that are sincere about their own growth and development. I am awed as to their courage to look at themselves and to proactively make changes. They are awesome people and it is my honor to work with them.

I appreciate the fact that relationships that were not serving me have dissolved and dissipated. I am relieved to know that when a relationship does not serve me, it looses energy through no action on my part. I love that. I love that I am finally in a place in my life where I can say, “You know what, that relationship with that new friend, neighbor, co-worker, client, whomever, is not healthy. It is not reciprocal. It is not honoring. It does not serve me positively. It does not serve the other person positively. I will not feed it any energy. It is not what I want.” And the relationship just goes away. The person stops calling. I never get to see the neighbor. It just vanishes.

I think that is very powerful.

Who do you appreciate in your life? If you focus your appreciation on those good healthy relationships, those that do not serve you will begin to fall away.
Affirmation: I easily show appreciation to those I love and care for.

Gratitude: What am I grateful for? .#16

I think of gratitude as being different from appreciation.

Gratitude comes up when I avert a situation or things could have gone down differently but they did not. Appreciation comes up when I did not even ask for it and it is just there. There is a sense of relief with gratitude and with appreciation, a sense of the natural order of things. I try to express both each and every day.

I am grateful for so much. I am grateful for my home that I have lived in for 12 years and it is comfortable and lovely. I am grateful for surviving professionally. I am grateful about how I feel being a coach. I am grateful that my computer woes are behind me I think. I am grateful for my body that is still going strong. I am grateful for food on the table. I am grateful for my finances. I am grateful for the fact that the crazy neighbor stays far away from me.

I really do have so much to be grateful for. When so called “bad things” happen to me, it turns out that it was not so bad after all and it worked itself out. I am grateful for that.

Affirmation. I am grateful and I have so much to be grateful for.

Authentic Living: For me to authentically live my life, what would be the first change I would make? .#6

Authentic living for me is about being congruent in my walk, talk beliefs and thoughts. You never quite arrive at this place because all four things have an inherent way of being inconsistent. So for me to walk, talk, believe and think congruently, the first thing I would change is ……… nothing!

Wow. That is interesting. My first thought was go inward more and journal more to get in alignment. But I already do a really good job at that. Well, here is one – I would change my beliefs about money. That is it. I would change my beliefs that money is hard to come by or difficult to hold on to. I would focus on this for about two or maybe even three months until I was absolutely sure that this belief was crystal clear and eliminated not to be revisited again.

I have come a long way with money and I am doing really well with it. But our money beliefs have a tendency to reset to original factory settings or to get complacent with where we are. We want a thousand dollars and we manifest it and then some how believe that we can only manifest a thousand dollars at a time. I know that I can manifest anything that I want. I enjoy the process of manifesting and challenging myself to grow and be more and more of myself.

Affirmation: I live my best authentic live. My walk, talk, beliefs and thoughts are all lined up perfectly.

Success: If I knew success was guaranteed, what would I do? .#5

As much as it seems that this question is just another way of rephrasing yesterday’s question, it is not. There is a huge gap between fear of failure and fear of success. Please play with both questions and see how they speak to you and be sure to answer them separately.

I waited to answer this question until the end of the day because I felt challenged by it. There were so many things to imagine being hugely successful doing. However I settled on this answer.

Remember that my entire coaching theme is about authenticity and self leadership. If I knew success was guaranteed, I would always coach and market from not just my soul but my spirit. I am a Christan with a very vibrant faith. I believe that a lot of my Christian peers would be horrified that I believe and actively practice the Law of Attraction. I believe that even my family would have fainting spells if they found out. Please notice that these are my own personal limiting beliefs.

So if I knew that I could touch as many lives as possible and dramatically help them and improve with their coaching and interacting with me as a Christian that also believes and practices the law of attraction, I would do it and do it flamboyantly.

There, I said it! Now it is out here for the entire world to find out. Therefore, I have no choice, it has to be so!

Affirmation: I am guaranteed success in all that I do.

Your wants: What would that feel like, sound like, taste like, look like, be like? .#3

Having both what I want and the feelings behind what I want would feel empowering.

I would feel that I was a masterful creator. It would sound like harmonious music and taste delicious. It would look like a person in control of her life and it would be a happy life. It would feel high energy yet peaceful and loving.

Going fully into the experience of what you want is a surefire way to gravitate towards it in a powerful way.

The next step becomes manifestation.

These first three questions are closely related and are tied into one another. I encourage you to talk the time to journal out these three questions and begin to observe that you are indeed a masterful creator.

Affirmation: I already have want I want and it feels great!

Your wants: What do I really, really want? .#2

For me personally, this question speaks to what is behind what I want. What I truly want to feel on a daily basis in my life is peace of mind, passion, freedom, enjoyment, laughter, growth, love, security, connection with God and some degree of predictability.

Really, it is that simple.

The real question is what is behind the feelings of the things you want? Sometimes, this may be difficult to decipher as we may not trust our feelings or we have been conditioned into wanting things because we think it is a status symbol. Nothing is wrong with that but if you want something because it is a status symbol then really, really, you are looking for feelings of acceptance and security. Do you get the picture?

Spend time examining your feelings behind the things that you want. You want more money? Or is it really financial freedom that you want? Pay attention to the feelings and then be in the moment of that feeling. Be financially free and enjoy that feeling. Tap back into that feeling as many times a day as you can. Write about it in your journal. The more familiar you become with the feeling, the more aligned you are with it and the quicker the goods that deliver the feeling will manifest in your life.

Affirmation: I honor, embrace and trust my feelings and they guide me effortlessly to what I want.